I thought nothing would be able to top the Gap Singing-Kids commercial in my least favorite, most addicting, idiotic corporate songs. Sadly, Taco Bell has done it after only a couple months. Here are the lyrics, in all their glory:
The five buck box, it rocks, it rocks
It rocks for a meal, with lots and lots
It rocks for a jock
It rocks for a fox
It rocks blocking shots on guys with dreadlocks
What comes in this box, this box that rocks?
A cheesy Gordita Crunch to munch.
We are sweet for Burritos Supreme.
A Crunchy Taco and a Cinnamon Twists.
Both on the list, and wait let me think, an ice cold drink.
That is lots and lots in just one box.
And its only five bucks.
And that’s why it rocks.
This is actually what the marketing people sat down and wrote. There was a meeting somewhere where talented professionals spent days developing this poem. My head hurts. To be fair, I think the first six lines are catchy even if a bit dully executed. But the wheels come off when more and more parties are involved and the rhyming scheme changes completely. Dreadlocks guy does a good job of staying on rhythm and delivering his lines. Enter Taco Bell Angels who must not have been at rehearsals. We are sweet for burritos supreme. OK, OK, our gregarious protagonist Chuck has already pushed us off the -ocks pattern and 'supreme' does not rhyme with 'munch', but I'm sure we can get back on track.
Come on old guy in a suit! Let's get this going in the right direction, we believe in you. He hits us with: A Crunchy Taco and a Cinnamon Twists. Wait, what? Are we just going to forget about those angels and their contribution to the poem? The Round Mound of Rebound deftly delivers his next line but only one man can save us at this point. A man renowned for his rapping ability, his charisma and his star power. Or we can just get LaMar Odom Kardashian. Either way.
Now I have watched this commercial about 89 times in the past couple weeks and I have a theory regarding Mr. Odom's appearance. Lamar has historically been known as a goofball who is addicted to candy and snack food (Check out this video for proof. Personal Candy Assistant? This exists). If Taco Bell could break into the LaMar Odom market it would guarantee them a steady cash flow for years to come. Imagine if every time LaMar sent his assistant out to get a candy truck-load, he instead made a bulk stop at Taco Bell. What a boondoggle!? So the Taco Bell scheme was to invite Odom to a fantasy world of Taco Bell. A world were Charles Barkely is the King, angels fly through the air, the colors are vibrant and there is a red carpet surrounded by paparazzi (we know Mr. Kardashian is getting used to these). Once Odom was hyped up on the stimulus around him, somebody handed him a new Five Buck Box. At this moment, Chuck was walking by rapping (as he is want to do) about the contents of Odom's newly found box of food. This was almost too much for LaMar and all he can get out is a conversational That is lots and lots in just one box. What we saw was more documentary than staged commercial. He thought it was real. This is the only explanation for Taco Bell to have a a B-List celebrity when they could have gotten someone with a much higher Q-rating (presumably). It is also the only explanation for why LaMar had a complete disregard for the prose, being out of rhythm in a bad way. This is my theory and it would take a lot to get me to reconsider.
Put all of this into a giant crap mixer and then add to it the fact that Chuck apparently only had one take to get it down and you have yourself a mess of a commercial.
I never thought I would say this, but I miss the Taco Bell Dog and the other lame raps of commercials gone by. However, this ad is still better than the joke Taco Bell had tried in their previous commercials because was anyone really believing in the Drive Thru Diet?
GRM
