Why not judge the Tiger Press Statement on the terms he is used to. Stop trying to use the normal celebrity approach. Let's go to the scorecard:
Hole #1: Pre-Statement Handling: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Par
There is no shortage of handlers and press experts with their hands in the Tiger-pie. If I were judging the entire time from the incident to this statement, it would assuredly score an 8 or so. There was no reason why this event could not have been held months ago, unless there was actual damage to Tiger's face. Just focusing on the past few days, from the time the event was announced, the handlers have been grinding their gears. First, announce event, then explain the format, then release a sanctioned photo of the star running to demonstrate his continued good shape. Tiger fails to get the birdie on this hole because of the backlash for how neutered they tried to make the guest list (more on this in a bit).
Hole #2: Timing: Par 3
Tiger's Score: Birdie
Couple of things to consider here. First, some (ie. Ernie Els) spoke out about the timing being "selfish" due to the concurrent event known as the Accenture Match Play Championship. But you know what, Ernie, you are wrong. Tiger is a much bigger story than Steve Stricker losing as a number one seed yesterday (bet you didn't even catch that). No matches were going at the time, those who cared about the golf tournament will still care and, let's face it, Tiger is all that golf has. He can do what he wants. From Tiger's perspective, although his camp denies it, this cannot be dismissed without looking at the relationship between Accenture (this week's PGA sponsor) and Tiger Woods (previously employed Accenture spokesperson). Odd coincidence that might disrupt the goings on or calculated vengeance? I lean towards vengeance and I like that. Well played, Tiger, birdie for you.
Hole #3: Guest List: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Double-Bogey
Possibly the strangest part of the entire event was those sitting in the audience. A lot has been written about the neutering of the press and how it shows how Tiger is above the media. No need to rehash this opinion, I agree with it for the most part as it makes little sense to me for a member of the press to attend an event in which they have no ability to interact. I can report just as well from the comfort of my home as they can from the second row. So what's the point, other than having the back of your head on TV? If you aren't taking questions why does it matter who from the press attends? With this information, I assumed the audience would number below ten. Turns out it was a gala event. Who are all these people? Why were they there? It was passed on that it was a combination of friends and well-wishers. On a pure guest perspective, Tiger confused and angered many people. Double Bogey.
Hole #4: Wardrobe: Par 3
Tiger's Score: Birdie
You could actually bet on many aspects of the Tiger's Press Statement, one of these was what Tiger would wear. My favorite bets were if he would wear a suit (I didn't think so) and whether he would wear his famous "Victory Red" in some fashion (thought this may be in bad taste). Personally, I would have thrown down some cash on Tiger wearing a button up polo shirt with some khakis, if gambling was legal. I was almost right. Tiger went more professional than I thought he would, but he did not go full suit and tie. It was a strong look with a nice, conservative jacket, button-up and pants. The wardrobe assistant gets a bonus today. Birdie.
Hole #5: Room Decor: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Bogey
Like I mentioned earlier, the blue background curtains were confusing and looked very amateur. The podium looked cheap and the overall feel was that they were in the conference room of the local senior center. Tiger almost looked out of place in these surroundings.
Hole #6: Elin: Par 5
Tiger's Score: Double Bogey
Tiger's wife became the focal point of this scandal and this made her involvement in the statement very tricky. The normal course of action (read: Kobe) is to have the wife in the same room for support. Elin was nowhere to be found. Tiger did mention her a handful of times in his speech, spoke of his anger at the press for their treatment of her and explained they had taken the first steps to restart their marriage. Her absence was felt in a major way.
Hole #7: The Kids (not his kids): Par 4
Tiger's Score: Birdie
This stood out to me for some reason. Tiger hit on his impact on children a couple of times, even to the point that once I said to myself 'why is he apologizing to his kid fans so much. They don't even know what is going on with this scandal'. Sure, some inquisitive kids probably lost their innocence within this fiasco when they wandered farther into the woods (pun intended) than they needed to. This was obviously a big thing Tiger wanted to put out as a major priority. He lost the "role model" moniker throughout this story and this was a first step to directly win it back.
Hole #8: The Tiger Woods Foundation: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Double Bogey
I thought this was one of Tiger's biggest missteps. Much too early in the overall speech, Tiger brought up all the good works of his foundation. As soon as he went this route, I could feel the collective Tiger-haters rolling their eyes and yelling "just keep it as an apology, don't try to bring in other good things you have done". It came across much like a small child who gets in trouble with their parents and explains that they have done all their chores the past week. No need to bring this up, Tiger, it is in poor form.
Hole #9: Buddhism: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Bogey
Tiger ends his front nine on back to back terrible notes. Much like the Foundation reference, no purpose was served by tying faith into any of this. Tiger has been in our lives for years and years now and I cannot remember him ever mentioning his Buddhist faith. People do not like when faith is used as a shield. He is going to get therapy and help from professionals, this is good enough. No one needs to know that Tiger's Buddhist roots will lead him down the right path. Obviously, Buddha was no where to be found over the past decade as Tiger went on a sexual rampage.
Hole #11: Blame: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Birdie
Whoever did craft Tiger's statement had one clear and guiding rule: Accept all blame, do not implicate any other people, no excuses. Tiger comes straight out and responds to this directly by saying that he alone was responsible for all that he did. There was no excuses and he took full acceptance of his actions.
Hole #12: Anger: Par 3
Tiger's Score: Bogey
This should have been one of the easiest holes on the course. Be somber, Tiger. Be embracing of the situation, Tiger. Be regretful, Tiger. Do not be angry, Tiger. Tiger, don't do it. Oh, no! He's doing it. He's loose. His volume is raised. His eyes are squinted. He looks straight into the camera. Those of you who have pestered my children, my wife and my mother. LEAVE US ALONE! Granted, this may be a good point, no young children should be put through this. But you know what, Tiger, they wouldn't be in that position unless you did what you did. Not the time to show your anger issues.
Hole #13: Length: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Bogey
13 minutes? What they hell? You didn't say anything. I lost interest half way through and so did the audience who could be seen talking to each other. Again, Tiger was not breaking any news here. He was apologizing to everyone. Get in get out (should have answered questions) and get on with life.
Hole #14: Performance Enhancing Drugs: Par 3
Tiger's Score: Birdie
Only made the list of holes because of the funny framing. Tiger's transitions were not the best, he is not a public speaker and this leads to a rambling type of speech. It also leads him straight from talking about his transgression to talking about performance enhancing drugs. Wait, did I miss something? The press is accusing you of using performance enhancing drugs during these transgressions? Too much information! Of course he was actually responding to the notion that he took steroids (he didn't), but to me who had already been checked out of the speech for three minutes it sounded like a different issue entirely (this paragraph brought to you by Jimmie Johnson and ExtenZe: All Natural Male Enhancement).
Hole #15: Content of Speech: Par 5
Tigers's Score: Par
Rick Reilly's take (paraphrased): "I thought it was good. It really sounded like he might have actually written some of it". Might? Some? Good? This was praise? The content was fine be it clearly written for him. He got the message across, but the bigger problem was waiting for him at the next hole.
Hole #16: Delivery: Par 5
Tiger's Score: Double Bogey
Yikes! We now know what Tiger has been doing for the past three months, practicing this speech. Tiger is an athlete, not a speaker, but you would think with the amount of time he has spent with a microphone in his face and a camera transfixed on him with weeks to prepare this statement that he would come across more polished. Robotic, dry, faked emotion ran rampant. It was reminiscent of a high school commencement address given by the class president. The only thing that saved him from getting an triple bogey was the conclusion, which I thought was effective and his best performance (Those of you who believed in me, I ask that you try to once more).
Hole #17: Non-verbals: Par 4
Tiger's Score: Triple Bogey
We all struggle with public speaking. It is forgivable that Tiger sounded robotic giving his delivery. What is not forgivable was the cheesy emotional ticks his put into it. You could actually see his mind saying "Tiger remember to take a deep breath, look into the camera, shake your head in emotional anger". It was comically bad. You can be a bad public speaker. You cannot accidentally make these kind of moves. Nothing made this event look more pre-packaged than these non-verbal cues.
Hole #18: Hug Parade: Par 4
Tiger's Score: BirdieAfter a semi-awkward moment at the conclusion of the speech where Tiger seemed to not know whether to take his notes off the podium or not, Tiger goes straight to his mother for an extended hug. Snap the pictures, take it all in. Tiger and his mother, the aftermath. Then on down the line he went shaking hands, hugging and kissing on the cheek the other friends in the room. Makes him seem more human. Good move to end on this, despite the fact I thought the hug with his mom was overly dramatic.
Final Score
Par for the course: 67
Tiger's Score: 76
If this was the Apology Tournament of Champions, let's just say Tiger would probably miss the cut.
There were no surprises today for Tiger Woods. He has always been a public shell for a team of media experts. Whether it is giving a promotional speech for his corporate sponsors or apologizing for one of the biggest scandals in sports history, Tiger is only the puppet. He did nothing to cut the strings today.
GRM
